For the first date, asking a person out to eat is so unoriginal. If you’re asking someone out who participates in various activities, then why would you think they want to sit down and eat with you? Don’t lose a potential dating partner by being unoriginal. You can get a peek into what a person enjoys by looking at the activities they’re involved with. Let’s have just one convo about how you can plan an activity-based first date. It is worth noting that this dating advice is for dating those who already have a robust social life full of all types of activities. 

The problem with planning dates without consideration

You’re not going to know everything about a person upon first meeting them. We humans are like onions; we have layers upon layers that make us into who we are. 

  While you may not know everything about them, you can get insight into what they like in various ways. Your date ideas need to be specific to the person you’re dating. How do you go about this process, though? Keep reading.

Firstly, let’s talk about the problem with planning inconsiderate dates. According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, inconsiderate is defined as careless of the rights or feelings of others. We’ll narrow the focus to the carelessness of others’ feelings for this article. 

What an inconsiderately planned date looks like

Now, imagine planning a date. Let’s pretend that your favorite restaurant is Fogo De Chao and you’re a huge meat lover. You meet the person of your dreams, decide to shoot your shot, they give you their number, you have some conversations with them, and you find out they’re a raw vegan. Even with this information, you decide to ask them out to Fogo de Chao. Your reason behind asking them to this place is that you believe everyone loves to go out to eat as a first date, Fogo is one of the best chain steakhouses, and you have some unused rewards to redeem. 

At no point in that process did you consider the feelings of your dream person. Perhaps you only thought about the projected fulfillment you’d receive from landing a date with them. Being inconsiderate of the person’s interests can lead to rejection if they have strong boundaries. Consequently, planning an intentional first date requires that you consider both you and the potential suitor. There has to be a balance. You don’t want to plan with only you in mind and vice versa. 

Personal Connection: Why food-first dates are a no-no for me

As a very social person and self-proclaimed foodie, I can’t stand going out to eat on a first date. I loved the idea of being asked out to dinner when I was younger, but that’s because I was unfamiliar with the dating scene. Unfortunately, society programs us to believe that a $200+ dinner date at a 5-star restaurant is required to show interest in a person; otherwise, they’re being broke and lacking effort. It is important to point out the need for intentionality here. For some people, that kind of date is needed. For me, if a guy asked me out on a date like that, I’d automatically think he’s irresponsible with money, he has poor boundaries, and decline the offer. I’ll save that conversation for another day. Ultimately, it’s important to consider who you’re dating before asking them out. 

Actually, I might accept that date. Imma show up and behave just like this 🤣 

How to plan an intentional, activity-based first date

This planning guide is just that – a guide. It is not a one-size-fits-all approach, but rather a place where you can brainstorm ideas. 

Before planning a first date, figure out why you want to date

First, let’s start with you. You need to slow down and be patient when it comes to vetting dating partners. Before jumping into the dating scene, be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for. Do you want a relationship because you’re feeling lonely? Are you willing to put in the necessary work to maintain a healthy, committed relationship? Or are you DTF? There’s no shame in whichever you believe is best for you. We live in a world where there are multiple types of relationships and people who are interested in the same way you are. Unfortunately, aligning with those people seems to be the overwhelming issue. 

Be honest with yourself and attract who you want

As a result of being honest with yourself, you’ll be confident in pursuing and accepting what you want. Searching for a partner becomes easier when you know what you’re willing to embrace instead of what you’re unwilling to tolerate. Unfortunately, some people desperately date, needing to fill the void of loneliness, and they end up trying to change every person they date into the person they want them to be. I’ve done that before, and it did not work out. It’s better to know what you want and only pursue people who already have what you’re looking for. Potential is misleading, especially since you can’t make that potential a reality.

Don’t overstep your boundaries and budget

Being honest with yourself also means not overstepping your boundaries and budget to try to impress someone. Your budget, especially when it comes to dating, matters. If you’re trying to come off as a “big baller, shot caller,” be careful about introducing dating partners to a vibe you can’t maintain. Activity-based dates can be costly. If you’re a traditional gentleman and you prefer paying for the first date, then consider options that are in your budget. Maybe you shouldn’t go on a Hot Air Balloon ride for the first date ( I think that’s too intimate of a first date anyway). 

Now that you know why you want to date, the type of people you want to date, and your budget for dating, let’s discuss how to get you the first date. As mentioned earlier, you wouldn’t plan a Fogo de Chao date with a raw vegan; the principle lesson is that you need to generally know the interests of the person you’re considering to ask on a date. The best way to learn these interests is to communicate with your potential dating partner. The two most important pieces of information are knowing their relationship status and willingness to date. It is so dangerous to assume someone is single just because they’re sharing a conversation with you. Believe it or not, some people are just kind, and it doesn’t mean they’re interested in dating you.

Gauge the person’s emotional availability and interest in dating

Have you ever heard the saying “when you assume, you make an ass of u and me”? Making assumptions does not provide a good foundation for planning an activity-based first date. As mentioned before, you have to know a little bit about the person’s interests. Some people don’t like activity-based dates and would rather go out to eat. You have to get to know your potential dating partner. 

Are they single and emotionally available?

We live in a world where emotional intelligence is a growing trend. More people are acknowledging traumas, choosing to heal, and embracing healthier habits. That said, they are growing emotionally aware, which can impact their emotional availability. It is in your best interest to learn a person’s relationship status before jumping into fantasies about making them your dating partner. Attaching your heart and mind to someone who’s taken is a dangerous choice. You can avoid that by practicing competent communication, even if that directness makes you nervous. You do yourself a disservice when you entertain the possibility of dating someone who can not be yours. Don’t be desperate. 

Are they interested in dating you?

Just because someone’s emotionally available doesn’t mean that they want to date you in particular. Harsh? I know. Rejection sucks, but it is also redirection. You are not meant to date anybody and everybody. You won’t be compatible with everyone you want to date, and that’s okay. It’s important for you not to place your self-worth in anyone else’s hands. Their lack of interest in you does not correlate to your inherent worthiness and value. You are worthy because you’re alive – period, point blank. 

That said, when you don’t place your worth in the hands of others, it won’t be the end of the world when you ask them on a date. Asking someone on a date requires vulnerability and being able to handle whatever response they share with you. 

Don’t interrogate them, but ask questions sprinkled through conversation

No one likes to be bombarded with question after question unless you are playing 21 Questions. I hope that at this big age, 18 and up, you’re not getting to know someone by playing that game. You have to be more intentional than that. You are not conducting an interview, per se, with the person you’re interested in dating. Let the conversation flow. Let the questions arise from genuine curiosity of wanting to know the person better. You shouldn’t be searching for your expectations of them when they answer questions. No one is obligated to satisfy the uncommunicated expectations you placed upon them…just saying. You may find that they might not be a romantic fit for you, but they may be better as an acquaintance, business connection, or friend. Heck, they might be a better option for one of your friends, who knows?! Ultimately, as the non-desperate, level-headed communicator you are, you can get to know a person through conversation before planning that first date.

Please Remember: A Date is JUST a Date

Thinking that the person will be your significant other immediately after the date is why you’re putting so much pressure on dating. Take away all that pressure by seeing a date as a space to get to know someone just a little bit better. You can’t know everything about a person on the first date. Dating with intentionality takes time (it shouldn’t take more than three years to know if you want to be in a committed relationship, though, that’s just my humble opinion, and maybe a convo for another post). 

Additionally, dating is a great way to learn about yourself, too. You can learn how you interact with others, your comfort level for certain topics, and which kind of dates you like best. There is so much you can gain from dating experiences that don’t always end in a romantic relationship.