Veronica Speaks

If you’ve ever felt like love is something you have to earn, this one’s for you.
Too many women are exhausted—not from the demands of life, but from constantly proving their worth to people who never learned how to love well. In this blog post, we’re unpacking why love starts to feel like labor, what trauma responses have to do with it, and how to reclaim your power with healthy boundaries, biblical wisdom, and a fresh lens on what it really means to be loved.

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Overfunctioning in Relationships: The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing

Overfunctioning is when you do more than your share emotionally, mentally, or physically to maintain a relationship.
In many emotionally taxing relationships, one person takes on the role of the fixer, the healer, or the overgiver. This dynamic, often rooted in early trauma, leaves women drained and emotionally bankrupt. According to trauma therapist Pete Walker (2013), this behavioral pattern is known as the fawn response—a survival strategy developed in childhood to avoid conflict and rejection by appeasing others.

Rather than expressing needs or setting boundaries, fawning adults stay agreeable and overly helpful, hoping this behavior will finally “earn” them love. But the truth? Healthy love doesn’t require you to bend until you break.

This is why so many strong, intelligent, emotionally aware women find themselves exhausted—not because they’re too much, but because they’ve been giving too much to people who offer too little in return.

If love feels like a second shift, it might seem like something you clock into with the hope of receiving emotional benefits. You’re not in a relationship; you’re in an emotional labor camp. And baby, that’s not love. That’s burnout.

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Love Shouldn’t Feel Like Work: What the Research Says

The science of attachment backs up what many of us feel in our bodies before we find the language to explain it. Research by Mikulincer and Shaver (2016) highlights that secure attachment leads to relationships characterized by mutual support, trust, and emotional safety. In contrast, individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style (often the result of inconsistent caregiving) are more likely to overfunction and fear abandonment—leading them to “prove” their love constantly.

When proving your worth becomes a habit, you’re not in love—you’re stuck in a performance loop. And unfortunately, this emotional overexertion doesn’t produce better love. In fact, it can attract partners who are more than happy to take without ever giving back (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

Let’s be clear: a healthy relationship is based on reciprocity, not rehearsal. If you find yourself constantly auditioning for a role you were born to own—partner, not performer—it’s time to rewrite the script.

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Enjoying this post? Check out this post too: 5 Myths About Self-Love

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What the Bible Says About Protecting Your Heart

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23

This verse isn’t just about shielding yourself from heartbreak—it’s about being wise with your emotional investments. Guarding your heart doesn’t mean building walls; it means knowing who’s worthy of access. If someone requires you to constantly prove your worth, they’re not guarding your heart—they’re draining it.

God didn’t create you to perform for love. He created you in love, by love, and for love that is whole, reciprocal, and grounded in truth.

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Journal Prompts: Are You Laboring for Love?

Sit with these questions in your quiet time this week and allow your answers to guide you toward emotional clarity and freedom:

1. In what relationships do I feel like I’m overfunctioning?
2. When did I first learn that love had to be earned?
3. How do I typically respond when I feel emotionally unsafe or unseen?
4. What boundaries do I need to set to feel emotionally protected?
5. What would it look like to receive love freely, without performance?

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You are not hard to love. You’re just tired of convincing people who never learned how to love you back.

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Conclusion: Rest Is Your Birthright

If love has started to feel like labor, take that as your cue to pause, reflect, and realign. You are not meant to work for love—you are meant to walk in it. Start by identifying where you’re overgiving, then reclaim your time, energy, and emotional peace with unapologetic boundaries.

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Call to Action

This week, set one emotional boundary that honors your worth. Write it down. Speak it out loud. Live it. And when you’re ready, share your story in the comments—I’d love to celebrate your growth.

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APA Sources Cited

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011). Proverbs 4:23.