“Your self-respect has to be stronger than your feelings.” – Unknown
Let’s have just one convo at a time—nothing stings quite like realizing you’ve given your heart to someone who can’t (or won’t) love you back. Maybe they breadcrumbed you with just enough affection to keep you hooked, or perhaps they made grand promises only to disappear when you needed them most. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Falling for emotionally unavailable people is a painful cycle, but here’s the good news: you have the power to break free. This post will dive into the psychology of why we chase unavailable love, what science says about emotional attachment, and most importantly—how to respect yourself enough to never settle for less again.
Why Do We Love People Who Don’t Love Us Back?
1. Attachment Styles: Are You Anxiously Attached?
According to research on attachment theory, our early relationships shape how we connect with romantic partners. If you find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable people, you may have an anxious attachment style—meaning you crave intimacy but fear abandonment. Meanwhile, emotionally unavailable partners often have an avoidant attachment style, pulling away when things get too close.
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people with anxious attachment are more likely to interpret mixed signals as hope, prolonging toxic relationships. (Translation? When they don’t text back, you assume they’re just “busy” instead of realizing they’re emotionally checked out.)
There is so much to learn about Attachment Styles, there are hundreds of books you can use to learn about your particular style. Just as a heads up, you can adapt your attachment style through healing. It’s going to take some deep inner work, so don’t think it’s something that can happen overnight.
2. The Dopamine Trap: Why Love Bombing Feels Like a High
Emotionally unavailable partners often follow a hot-and-cold pattern, showering you with attention one moment and ghosting you the next. This triggers a dopamine response in your brain, the same neurotransmitter involved in addiction. Studies on romantic rejection suggest that intermittent reinforcement (the unpredictable reward system) makes you more hooked on their attention—not less.
It’s not love, babe. It’s a brain chemistry trick.
3. Self-Worth & The Subconscious Need to “Prove” Yourself
Psychologists have found that low self-worth often makes us seek validation from partners who withhold it. If you grew up feeling like love had to be “earned,” you might unconsciously chase partners who make you work for their affection. The reality? You don’t need to prove anything to someone who truly values you.
You were already worthy of love the moment you were born. Many of us don’t know that because our parents didn’t love themselves and had no idea how to show us love. Unfortunately, it’s one of those generational curses that we have the privilege to break. Are you going to take responsibility of believing you are worthy?
How to Stop Falling for Emotionally Unavailable People
1. Strengthen Your Self-Respect Muscle
Loving yourself isn’t just about bubble baths and affirmations—it’s about setting standards and enforcing them. People who respect themselves don’t chase unavailable love; they recognize red flags and walk away.
Ask yourself: If my best friend was in this situation, what would I tell her to do? Then follow your own advice.
2. Identify & Challenge Your Relationship Patterns
Take a step back and look at your dating history. Do you see a pattern? Maybe you keep falling for the emotionally distant “bad boy” or the charming but unreliable “free spirit.” Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
A 2023 study in Psychological Science found that people who engage in self-reflection exercises are more likely to make healthier relationship choices. Try journaling about past relationships and identifying repeating themes. Awareness is power.
3. Stop Making Excuses for Red Flags
If someone consistently makes you feel unsure, anxious, or unimportant, they’re not your person. Period. Stop justifying their behavior with phrases like:
- “They’ve just been really stressed lately.”
- “They’re not great at expressing emotions.”
- “Maybe if I give them more time, they’ll open up.”
Love isn’t supposed to feel like an endless waiting game.
4. Shift Your Focus to Emotionally Available Partners
Healthy love is consistent, reciprocal, and nurturing—not a puzzle you have to solve. Emotionally available people communicate openly, show up when they say they will, and make you feel secure. But here’s the catch: if you’re used to emotional unavailability, a healthy partner might feel “boring” at first. Give stability a chance.
Call to Action: Choose Yourself First
You deserve more than mixed signals, empty promises, and one-sided love. The first step? Make a commitment to yourself. The next time someone shows you they’re emotionally unavailable, believe them—and walk away. No second chances. No hoping they’ll change. No chasing.
Ready to start attracting healthy love? Drop a comment below with one boundary you’re setting for yourself this year. And if you need more guidance, check out my Self Love blogs at Veronica-Speaks.com. You’re worth it.
Loving the wrong person isn’t a life sentence. It’s a lesson. And once you learn it, you’ll never settle for less again.
Sources Cited
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
- Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Romantic love: A mammalian brain system for mate choice. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 361(1476), 2173-2186.
- Pietromonaco, P. R., & Beck, L. A. (2022). Adult attachment and relationship functioning. Annual Review of Psychology, 73, 401-425.
- Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). The attachment system in fledgling relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25(5), 545-559.
Veronica Speaks 
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